Top Ten Christmas Movie
10. Bad Santa (2003) - It’s a nice change of pace from the normal Christmas film, with Billy Bob cursing a little kid and genuinely staying a piece of shit throughout the entire film. Plus, Thurman Merman is the most pathetically adorable kid ever.
9. While You Were Sleeping (1995) - One of the few rom coms I commend, Sandra Bullock is adorable in this Christmastime romance about a woman infatuated with a man (Peter Gallagher) and saves him when he is mugged on the El train (Chicago!) and falls on the tracks, then lies to the hospital and his family that she is his fiancée when the hospital won’t let her see him. Of course, it’s even more complicated than that, with her falling in love with the brother instead (played by Bill Pullman, can you blame her?!?) and sticky situations ensue. This film is truly great because of the family, as she falls in love with them, the viewer does too. Watch. Enjoy. Love.
8. Elf (2003) - I am very much over Will Ferrell and his one-note-wonder ways, but this film is possibly him at his best. His blind optimism leads to much hilarity. Because when Santa smells like beef and cheese, Christmas is in trouble.
7. How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966) - No, not the the piece of shit with Jim Carrey that crushed the soul of this film, the Boris Karloff narrated animated short that brings my heart nothing but Christmas cheer. All those Whos down in Whoville make me go, “Woo Hoo.”
6. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989) - Just this:
“Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.”
That is all.
5. Love Actually (2003) - It’s just pleasant. And very Christmas-y. And one of the few ensemble casts that doesn’t blow ass. It makes me smile. To me, you are perfect. Also, Liam Neeson.
4. Die Hard (1988) - Because nothing says Christmas like bullet holes. Welcome to the party, pal!
3. Home Alone/the end of Home Alone 2 - I use to argue to the death my belief that Home Alone 2: Lost in New York was a superior film to it’s predecessor. But mostly I think I just love that Talk Boy and thoughts of running around the Plaza Hotel. But I came to the realization this year that Home Alone is the superior film overall, but Home Alone 2 has the better ending. This may just be me, but the fact that every hit or trick pulled on Harry and Marv in the sequel is so over the top and ridiculous just rockets the film to greatness. Getting hit in the head with bricks thrown from 4 stories up? Priceless. It would also render you a vegetable or dead. And that’s why it’s better. Also, watch out for tool chests falling down the stairs.
2. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) - A top on most lists, but there is a reason for that. It’s actually a very dark movie for the majority of it. George Bailey contemplates suicide and thinks his life is worthless. It takes the aide of an angel to show him that “no man is a failure with friends.” It warms the soul. I am also comfortable to announce that every year, I get choked up when Harry Bailey says, “A toast to my big brother George: The richest man in town.” Tear.
1. Scrooged (1988) - Bill Murray is the only one who could pull off this role this well. The first two ghosts are hilarious (Buster Poindexter as the Ghost of Christmas Past giving Murray shit and Carol Kane as the Ghost of Christmas Present beating the shit out of Murray - classic). It’s funny, it’s the best representation of the story and the end is Christmas sappy and great. God bless us, everyone.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Whatever You Believe. And Holy Shit.
-Dan
Honorable Mentions: The Shop Around the Corner (1946), White Christmas (1954), A Christmas Story* (1983), A Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
*I am aware that everyone considers Christmas Story the best holiday film ever, but I’m over it.
26. A Chinese Ghost Story dir. by Siu-Tung Ching (1987)
If you like wire kung-fu, demon-horror, romance, comedy films starring Leslie Cheung, then you’ll probably like A Chinese Ghost Story (I did).
Leslie Cheung plays a tax collector that stays the night in a haunted temple, meets a talented swordsman, and falls in love with a ghost. Unfortunately, an evil tree spirit comes between our two lovers with it’s gigantic tongue that bleeds what I assume is white, milky tree sap… I mean, I hope that’s what it is.
A pretty unique film (that spawned two sequels). Slow at times, but ultimately entertaining.
Watch the trailer | Buy it from Amazon | Rent it from Netflix
![25. Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth dir. by Anthony Hickox (1992)
“Ready for your closeup?”
In Hellbound: Hellraiser II, Pinhead got himself trapped inside of some hellish sculpture. Well, that sculpture found it’s way into the hands of a homeless man and that homeless man sold that sculpture to some millionaire playboy/douche bag who keeps it in his weirdly sadistic night club. Naturally, Pinhead wants out, and he wants some new Cenobite pals.
Hellraiser III’s heroine, Joanne (Terry Farrell) [1], is an investigative reporter that gets wrapped up in the whole Hellraiser deal when she witnesses a club patron being ripped apart by chains at the local hospital. From there she looks into videotapes of Kirsty Cotton (from the first two Hellraiser films), investigates some strange happenings at J.P. Monroe’s nightclub, befriends J.P.’s ex-girlfriend Terri (Paula Marshall), and eventually has a pretty satisfying encounter with Pinhead and five new Cenobites.
I think I like the Cenobites in Hellraiser III the most out of all the movies. They’re just so ridiculous. Descriptions from Wikipedia:
Pistonhead: An evil sex fiend that owned “The Boiler Room” club; had a hot, never ending piston shoved through his skull.
Camerahead: An expert camera man for the news was killed by Pinhead; and brought back to life with a camera for an eye.
Dreamer: A smoking teenager that never had dreams; is now a Cenobite with a cigarette in a throat wound.
CD: A deejay from “The Boiler Room”; now Cenobite with the power to throw CDs like a ninja with throwing-stars.
Barbie: A bartender from “The Boiler Room”; now Cenobite wrapped in barbed wire; and has the ability to spit out white pus that ignites upon touching air.
I know I said that Hellraiser IV was my favorite, but I think I flip around each time I see a new Hellraiser film. If you’re going to watch a Hellraiser movie, watch this one.
Watch the trailer | Buy it from Amazon | Rent it form Netflix](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lb3q9vyK0b1qb857mo1_400.jpg)
25. Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth dir. by Anthony Hickox (1992)
“Ready for your closeup?”
In Hellbound: Hellraiser II, Pinhead got himself trapped inside of some hellish sculpture. Well, that sculpture found it’s way into the hands of a homeless man and that homeless man sold that sculpture to some millionaire playboy/douche bag who keeps it in his weirdly sadistic night club. Naturally, Pinhead wants out, and he wants some new Cenobite pals.
Hellraiser III’s heroine, Joanne (Terry Farrell) [1], is an investigative reporter that gets wrapped up in the whole Hellraiser deal when she witnesses a club patron being ripped apart by chains at the local hospital. From there she looks into videotapes of Kirsty Cotton (from the first two Hellraiser films), investigates some strange happenings at J.P. Monroe’s nightclub, befriends J.P.’s ex-girlfriend Terri (Paula Marshall), and eventually has a pretty satisfying encounter with Pinhead and five new Cenobites.
I think I like the Cenobites in Hellraiser III the most out of all the movies. They’re just so ridiculous. Descriptions from Wikipedia:
- Pistonhead: An evil sex fiend that owned “The Boiler Room” club; had a hot, never ending piston shoved through his skull.
- Camerahead: An expert camera man for the news was killed by Pinhead; and brought back to life with a camera for an eye.
- Dreamer: A smoking teenager that never had dreams; is now a Cenobite with a cigarette in a throat wound.
- CD: A deejay from “The Boiler Room”; now Cenobite with the power to throw CDs like a ninja with throwing-stars.
- Barbie: A bartender from “The Boiler Room”; now Cenobite wrapped in barbed wire; and has the ability to spit out white pus that ignites upon touching air.
I know I said that Hellraiser IV was my favorite, but I think I flip around each time I see a new Hellraiser film. If you’re going to watch a Hellraiser movie, watch this one.
Watch the trailer | Buy it from Amazon | Rent it form Netflix
24. Dance of the Dead dir. by Gregg Bishop (2008)
Dance of the Dead ended up being a lot more entertaining than I’d anticipated. There’s just too much here to like.
Prom night turns out to be less than stellar for a group of teens when the dead start blasting out (literally) of their graves and taking out their undead boredom on the local townspeople. It’s up to a group of misfits (the sci-fi club, the loser pizza delivery driver, the class vice-president, and the 3-year senior bully) to put a stop to the zombie menace and warn their classmates of the epidemic before the zombies can reach the school gym.
Going into this, I expected some awful MTV mad-for-tv movie. Boy was I wrong. This movie was fun, gory, romantic, hilarious, and had some genuinely original and entertaining zombie kills. While it’s not in my top 10 horror films of all time, it’s an incredibly fun film to watch, and great Halloween horror fluff if you’re looking to relax and not feel too invested in a movie.
Watch the trailer | Buy it from Amazon | Rent it from Netflix
23. Demons dir. by Lamberto Bava (1985)
Lamberto Bava (son of Mario Bava and protégé to Dario Argento) directs this oddly meta tale of film come to life.
Two young women are given free tickets to the premiere of a new horror film. Together with a theatre full of strangers, the women are subjected to an hour and a half of very real horror, as the story happening on the screen begins to bleed into the real world. Plenty of great kills, impressive creature effects, and hilariously bad ADR’d dialogue make this a treat to watch.
I haven’t seen Demons 2 yet, but if it follows the storyline of the first, I’m looking at a pretty great post-apocalyptic demon story. Watch it with friends.
22. Ghoulies II dir. by Albert Band (1988)
Ghoulies II is entertaining enough, but it holds a special place in my heart as a “scary” move that I wasn’t allowed to watch, but that my dad rented from the local video store for me one weekend.
This Ghoulies had Albert Band (father of horror producer/director Charles Band) at the director’s helm. Still no Stan Winston, but at least there’s a Band in there.
Some of the ghoulies from the first film skip town via a roving carnival. They set up shop in the failing horror house and start being all ghoulish. Some gross out scares, and kind of fun. There’s a giant ghoulie payoff in the end. More entertaining than the first, but still not top notch horror.
21. Ghoulies dir. by Luca Bercovici (1985)
When I think of the movie Ghoulies, I think of Boglins. Then I just get kind of upset because there was never a Boglins film or cartoon series (please, correct me if I’m wrong).
Anyway, Ghoulies is kind of a bust in my opinion. Originally slated to be directed by Charles Band (of Puppet Master fame) with special effects by Stan Winston (Jesus, I mean he’s done everything), the film looked like it was destined to become an excellent addition in the tome of great 80’s horror films. Alas, all was for not, and some jabronies got there hands on it instead. What we get is a story about a man obsessed with controlling demons, and demons that look they’re on the end of a kebob stick being waved around.
Skip this one and stay tuned for part 2…
20. Pet Sematary dir. by Mary Lambert (1989)
Seriously people, pay attention to where your kids are when there’s a 90mph highway 20 feet in front of your house. And when an the old guy across the street drawls out the recommendation that you not bury a human being up in that there pet cemetery, you best gather your wits together and listen up.
Pet Sematary introduces one of the 90’s most memorable child actors, Miko Hughes. Miko puts on a pretty impressive performance for being 2-years old. He showed up in just about every tv show in the 90s at some point, found his way into hits like Apollo 13 and Spawn (ahahaha!), but most memorably, he played Nancy Porter’s son, Dylan, in Wes Craven’s New Nightmare.
An instant classic from the mind of Stephen King.
16. Dog Soldiers dir. by Neil Marshall (2002)
Before Doomsday, before The Descent, and before the terrible Centurion, Neil Marshall brought us Dog Soldiers.
Out in the wilds of Scotland, the military is running regular training exercises. Everything’s going as planned until a bunch of werewolves show up and start tearing soldiers limb-from-limb.
This movie is worth watching if only for the costuming on the werewolves. I love it. Plus, as Bloody Disgusting said in their review years ago, “This movie also contains the first man/werewolf boxing match ever produced for your viewing pleasure.”
Watch the trailer | Buy it on Amazon: BD, DVD | Rent it on Netflix
15. After.Life dir. by Agnieszka Wojtowicz-Vosloo (2010)
Christina Ricci gets angry at Justin Long during a romantic dinner because he tells her that he’s moving away to pursue a new lawyering job. Ricci decides she knows what’s going on before Long can finish his proposal - he’s leaving her and she’s going to be miserable. So she storms out, drives off in a storm and is killed in a car accident with a truck. Turns out Justin Long just wanted to say he loved her, would she marry him, and would she come with to wherever it was he was going. Woo, what an idiot.
Anyway, Ricci wakes up on the cutting table of local funeral directory Liam Neeson. She freaks out again, exclaiming to Neeson that she’s not dead, “How can I talk if I’m dead!?” Neeson apparently has a gift for speaking with the deceased and calmly explains to Ricci her situation. She’s a corpse and she needs to prepare for her after life.
Ricci still has a hard time believing she’s dead, and Justin Long becomes convinced that Neeson is hiding something from him. Mystery! Intrigue! Stale acting!
This movie was just ok. There were some disconcerting plot holes thrown around in the film, things that were never really resolved - although I’m confident in my interpretation of the ending. It’s a little horror movie with a budget and some halfway decent cinematography. Personally, I’d take Long in Drag Me to Hell over this any day.
Watch the trailer | Buy it on Amazon: BD, DVD | Rent it form Netflix
